So.. it took me all of 23 years, but I have now seen the light. I have finally learned that homemade sandwiches don't have to suck.
My whole life I had just eaten ham and provolone, with a little mayo on some white bread. Sometimes I would mix it up and throw some turkey or muenster cheese in there. When I felt healthy-ish, I would throw it all on some wheat bread. To be honest, I never really enjoyed those sandwiches. I ate them because I was hungry and because they were easy. The whole time I was mindlessly chewing those bland concoctions, I was wishing I was eating a frozen pizza, a nice steak, or really any food that had that thing called flavor.
The real tragedy is that sandwiches don't have to suck. I have had some delicious sandwiches in my life. We all know that the Silly Goose in East Nashville has the greatest sandwiches on earth, but have you ever wondered why? Just look at their menu. They don't use a plain loaf of bread or plain deli meat. Their sandwiches are covered in sun-dried tomato or roasted red pepper aioli, instead of helman's mayo or mustard from a fluorescent plastic bottle. Really, the only similarities they share with your homemade sandwiches are that they use bread, meat, cheese and then some kind of sauce. They just use delicious versions of all of those things.
Making a sandwich is not rocket science. Let's all be honest, it doesn't exactly require skill or training. You just need to have the right ingredients. So why is it that everyone is perfectly fine with eating such mediocre sandwiches at home? The only thing I can think of is cost. Have you ever bought a tiny bottle of sun-dried tomatoes? Any chump can spread that stuff over bread, but it takes a neuro-surgeon (not a family practice doctor cough cough Laur Laur) to be able to afford it. If I have to choose between Lia finally getting new dentures and me buying sun-dried tomato spread, then I am going to go with my wife's health and happiness every time. If you add goat cheese, roasted red peppers, an awesome loaf of bread, arugula and roasted walnuts, then a sandwich becomes as out of reach for the common man as other luxuries such as cars that are fun to drive and vacations that don't revolve around family.
Vacuum sealed meats and processed cheeses are cheap compared to smoked salmon and blue gouda, but is sacrificing your happiness worth saving a little money? This all just goes to further validate the wise Daniel Tosh's view that money most certainly does buy happiness. Have you ever seen someone sad on a wave runner? Despite the financial challenges presented by always trying to eat delicious food, I believe it can be done. On a semi-related tangent, have you ever wondered why there is crime in low income areas? If you had to eat frozen bologna with tasteless cheese every day, you would want to break crap and hurt people too.
All of this to say that I have a dream... I dream that people will stop buying lottery tickets and instead send their children to school with a sandwich that excites and inspires a young mind. I dream that adults would quit buying cancer sticks and instead treat themselves to 23 bites of pure joy every afternoon. I dream that young, attractive, professional, married couples in Sunny Isles Beach would not feel the need to buy anymore makeup, and would instead spend that money on delicious ingredients so that we can all share in the same dream. I dream of a world with no more lame sandwiches. Who will join me?
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